AndyHodges/Email3

From: Andy Hodges <andy_hodges@yahoo.com>
Reply-To: andy_hodges@yahoo.com
Subject: Appeal
To: "CHL" <chl@gamesnet.net>
Cc: abuse@gamesnet.com, albatross@bteg.com, booyakasha@gamesnet.net,
 cradly@bteg.net, fisich@gamesnet.net, bullet_attractor@gamesnet.net,
 def@gamesnet.net, hunnr@gamesnet.net, aden@gamesnet.net
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 2003 08:33:34 -0800 (PST)

I just received this email this morning (see below)
because I failed to check my Yahoo account yesterday.
My mail servers were having problems and when I
recieved Gavin's initial response that my g-line was
removed, I thought that all future discussions/threads
would be sent to my normal email account. So, I
apologize for the delay. 

First, please read this thread when you get a chance.
This is why the G-line is suddenly an issue. I banned
Draft & Firegod from the league and they promised to
have me G-line. Firegod even said, "paybacks are a
bitch" in his thread.
http://forums.catacombsnews.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=44860


To rectify this situation:

I don't know how to voice my apologies on this matter
because I've apologized over and over again until I'm
blue. I have submitted full explanations and reasoning
for my conduct in the past, yet those went unanswered.
However, I thought this was all cleared up when
another Gamesnet staff member advised the "go ahead"
to bring the RCL community back to Gamesnet, obey the
AUP, and put the past in the past. However, I feel
that I was misled since this individual is only a
Support staff member. In fact, the night of July 18th
when we moved the RCL back to Gamesnet and created all
the necessary channels for the league, we invited a
higher Gamesnet official into the channel (and I
forgot his name.. but I think Freedom would remember)
to ask if there were any outstanding issues with me.
He asked around and couldn't find anything. 

Why do you feel Gamesnet should remove your G-line?

Because the things I did to cause the G-line were
things I did while under the influence of alcohol
and/or drugs. I can't even remember most of the things
I did as I suffered from blackouts. I understand that
I was given another chance and blew it time and time
again, but I still had addiction problems with
alcohol. I guess I wasn't ready yet.

Did you seek professional help?

I certainly did and I can even fax you some of the
transcripts of what I said to the doctor. I was
ashamed on things I did (to Gamesnet being just one)
and went into details of what events happened that led
to a blackout and/or loss of memory due to heavy
drinking and having a compulsive behavior. I can't
state this enough - that I am still very ashamed and
sorry for everyone I've hurt as a result of my own
personal stupidity and problems. I can't express that
enough. 

How do we know you're telling us the truth? That you
are sorry for what you did?

For starters, you can ask CRADLY. I did something very
wrong to him. I don't even remember what led up to it
as I was very intoxicated and several Gamesnet users
(and staff members) wanted me to call him and put him
on my radio. A staff member PM'd his phone number and
I called him live on the air. The things I said to him
I'm very ashamed about. I wasn't myself. I called him
the very next day and apologized. I expressed how
sorry I was. You see, I was 2 different people when I
had this alcohol addiction. My normal side was very
nice, sincere, and pleasant. My drunk side was rude,
obnoxious, and I did things that I would never do. I'm
not trying to blame all my past problems on alcohol,
because I had other problems that led to alcohol
abuse. But I will honestly say that my behavior and
the problems I caused was because of alcohol. I am
still very ashamed about it. I apologized to CRADLY
the next day because it was the right thing to do. I
wasn't myself and when I sobered, I realized that I
probably hurt Cradly's feeling or made him angry. To
realize that does show that I couldn't help my
behavior when I was drinking, but I was (and still am)
very sorry for it. Ashamed is the best word here to
use.

How we know you won't cause problems again?

I could sit here and tell you in words that I won't.
However, actions speak. My actions and behavior on
Gamesnet from July until yesterday can prove that I
nolonger drink, cured from alcohol disease, and have
taken many personal steps to resolve my own issues. I
have obeyed the AUP since July, I have been on
Gamesnet everyday because I thought the past was put
to rest. I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to be
back on the network until the year 2007. My god, I'll
be 40 years old by then. You haven't heard one peep
about me until yesterday, because I haven't caused any
problems. The reason you heard about me yesterday is
because I banned Draft & Firegod for a serious act of
misconduct in the RCL. It's funny, you have staff
members that don't even obey other AUP's, but you
demand full respect that everybody agree and obey
your's. They were banned for making life threatening
comments to another member. And yet, they are staff
members of Gamesnet. I don't understand that. All the
problems I've done in the past have NEVER led to life
threatening comments, murder, or terrorism. Even when
I was drunk. 

How do you feel about the wrong things you said and
did to other Gamesnet staff in the past?

After I came clean, I made several attempts to
apologize. I sent friends to Gamesnet to seek out
certain people and to tell them I was very sorry.. I
have sent emails to Gamesnet stating full details on
how sorry I was.. they were all ignored and tossed. I
have to live with this regret every single day. It's
frustrating when these things were done out of
delusional thoughts from alcohol, and when I try to
explain it's tossed. Even if every person forgives me,
I have to live the rest of the my life feeling this
regret. Example: A pleasant night out to a nice dinner
with a beautiful lady can quickly change. While going
to my table I pass the bar which is a reminder of the
wrong things I did from age 33-35. I will be 50 years
old and will be reminded of a very dark past of being
drunk and hurting people. I am reminded of that even
when I see a Coors commercial on TV. It's not just
Gamesnet, it's a lot of things that I am reminded
about. Mostly myself and how I have hurt people. Not
just friends either, but my family. I ask you this -
have you ever done something wrong when you were drunk
and not yourself and wish you take it all back? I hurt
when other people hurt. It hurts me a lot more knowing
that I have hurt and made others angry. If I was
myself during those moments and period of time in the
past - then I deserve to be banned for life without
any friends or family. But I wasn't myself.

What do you think you can do to rectify the problems
you have caused?

I have tried to rectify this situation in the past. I
don't know what more you want from me. If it's
punishment you're after, don't worry. I am punished
with each memory I have of the wrong things I've done
in the past. I feel like I'm being punished again, and
again, and again when there should've been common
sense a long time ago to listen to what I was saying.
Apologies being made. Details on how I felt and how
much I'm ashamed. I can't keep feeling sorry about
this over and over again. Or repeating myself over and
over again. It's almost as if you want my head hung or
something. Nothing is worth that or feeling that way
about somebody. You can't hold a grudge on somebody
forever, especially when they will be reminded of
their own past time and time again. 

What will you do if we reject your appeal?

I was thinking about posting a news article in the
league, explaining why we have to move to another IRC
network such as "QuakeNet" or something. I was going
to post everything about the past, present, and what
led up to this recent G-line dispute (Draft & Firegod
and what they did in the league). But, I then realized
that I wouldn't because I would be acting out my hurt
and that's not good for me, the league, or the Game
community. All that will do is enterain a couple of
kids who spend their lives looking for "game drama"
since they have no lives of their own. 

If this appeal is rejected, then I will give no
explanation on why the league has to move to another
IRC network. Although, I'm sure the kids would have a
field day with this and waste their time & energy
discussing it for months to come. Making up more
stories of how bad of a person I am, using Gamesnet to
prove a point (as they are already doing on the
Catacombs message board). 

If I am not allowed to be back on Gamesnet, I will
leave peacefully and quietly as I first arrived in
July. Nobody will know, and if people ask I will keep
it a low profile. I'm past all the "wars" and the
"Gamesnet vs Andy Hodges" or the "Andy Hodges vs
Gamesnet". Again, those episodes happened because I
was drunk and made the wrong decisions in life. I'm
very sorry for that. I will always feel dissappointed
in myself for the troubles I've caused, but I can
atleast breathe in a fresh of air once in awhile
knowing that I'm not living the past anymore. And, I
have proven that to everyone since July.

Final Thoughts?

As far as the Gamesnet people I've hurt, I know that
some will toss this and will never read it. They hold
this hatred and grudge on me because they feel that I
deserve it. They take this very personal as if it was
a relationship or something. However, if it's the
monster that they hate, I've already killed it by
coming clean with myself and living a life without
alcohol. They are hating the wrong person. What hurts
me more is, I don't even remember most of the things I
did as I was blacked out most of the time when these
things occured.

There might be some that are open minded to this issue
and can completely understand where I'm coming from.
They understand that I stumbled and made the wrong
choices for 2 years in my life, but realize that I
took personal steps and measures to correct the
problems. Some of you have probably read this thinking
that the unaccepted apologies for things that I'm
truly sorry for has gone on long enough. The issue at
hand is about things that happened long ago and not
recent. But the way I feel about it, I'm still
regretful for the past. That will not change either
way. I have to live with that.

Other gaming sites, administrators (inside and out of
the game industry) have forgiven me. Several
friendships have been renewed, trust has been renewed.
In fact, people who used to think I was evil and a
horrible person are now paying in my league. If that's
not trust, I don't know what is. If other
administrators can renew their friendships with me, I
don't see why Gamesnet can't either.

I ask that you please reconsider. Perhaps put me on
some sort of probation or daily time limit or
something. Or place me on a monitoring device if you
don't believe that I'm telling you the truth.

I never asked or wanted to be a public figure, but as
long as I am one, you will attract the wrongful and
the people who have nothing better to do with their
lives but talk bad about "Andy Hodges". The longer you
keep the G-line, the more you make me a public figure
for the kids to throw darts at. I know and understand
that Gamesnet is not in the business to make public
figures out of people - however, you are a big asset
to the game industry and the decisions you make does
have an impact on other communities such as mine.

-Andy Hodges
RCL - www.RealCombat.com

--- "CHL" <chl@gamesnet.net> wrote:

>> Well call me an idiot but I went around looking for
>> your pre-existing
>> glines the wrong way, and low and behold I found
>> quite a few that don't
>> expire until 2007.  I've re-instated your gline, and
>> if you like you can
>> appeal to abuse@gamesnet.net only as to why you feel
>> we should remove it
>> and what you think you can do to rectify the
>> problems you have caused in
>> the past.
>> 
>> CoolHandLuke
>> The Man Wearing a Skirt
>> GamesNET IRC Network
>> 
>> On Sat, 2003-01-25 at 12:21, Andy Hodges wrote:
>> 
>
>>> > Today I was g-lined/k-lined for no reason at all.
>>> > True, I used to cause problems about a YEAR AGO
>>> > but all of that was erased when I came back in July.
>>> > 
>>> > I was allowed back on Gamesnet as long as I stayed
>>> > in my own #RCL channel and fully understood the
>>> > Gamesnet AUP. I did. I'm also not the same person as I was
>>> > a year ago, but that's personal and there's nothing I
>>> > have ever done since being back on the network in
>>> > July. Not one thing.
>>> > 
>>> > Hunter-Killer can probably testify to this. He's been
>>> > part of the RCL for a long time now and there's
>>> > nothing I've done wrong (since July) to deserve this
>>> > treatment I got today.
>>> > 
>>> > 2 of your staff members were banned from the #RCL,
>>> > the league, and the RCL website for making death
>>> > threats to others, and causing a freakin' scene. My staff
>>> > members and I take death threats very seriously.
>>> > The 2 gamesnet staff members are "Draft" and the other
>>> > person is "Firegod". Both of them claim to be Gamesnet
>>> > staff and told me that if we banned them from #RCL
>>> > and the league, they will have me g-lined.
>>> > 
>>> > Futhermore, I told both of them today to quit coming
>>> > into the #RCL channel. I told them that I was going to
>>> > contact Gamesnet to have them g-lined if they didn't
>>> > stop. They replied with more threats and stated that I
>>> > will pay for banning them. "Paybacks are a bitch"
>>> > as they put it.
>>> > 
>>> > A few minutes later, I was g-lined. I logged back
>>> > in and spoke with <r`Freedom> to ask why I was
>>> > glined. He said he's only a support staff member and
>>> > went on to say:
>>> > 
>>> > <r`Freedom> by coming back on irc after a gline
>>> > <r`Freedom> u put ur self in danger
>>> > <r`Freedom> of a isp being contacted
>>> > <r`Freedom> thats all i can say bro
>>> > <r`Freedom> we were friends for a little while
>>> > <r`Freedom> but i cant help now
>>> > <r`Freedom> its past that
>>> > <r`Freedom> sry
>>> > 
>>> > What I don't understand is this: I run one of the
>>> > top gaming leagues in the world
>>> > (http://www.RealCombat.com) and have about 20,000
>>> > members. My ISP was hit with a worm virus today and
>>> > I've been online (via Gamesnet) explaining to all
>>> > my league members that we will NOT have a league
>>> > league tonight due to the Internet worm virus. My website
>>> > and game servers are currently offline as they review
>>> > network status. While I was in chat, in my own #RCL
>>> > room, minding my own business, informing others on
>>> > what's going on.. I had to deal with "Draft" and
>>> > "Firegod" entering and leaving the chat.. banned..
>>> > then they re-entered and told everybody that I was
>>> > going to be g-lined from Gamesnet because I banned
>>> > them from the RCL.
>>> > 
>>> > How can you justify letting people who make death
>>> > threats to others be part of your staff and to have my
>>> > g-lined? What did I do? NOTHING. What did I do in the
>>> > past? That was erased in July. My g-line or whatever
>>> > bannings that you had were ERASED. What did I ever do
>>> > in the past? Got drunk and told people off. That's
>>> > about it. I nolonger drink. But I have NEVER made
>>> > death threats to anybody in my life. I can't believe
>>> > that you have let these 2 individuals be part of your
>>> > staff and to have me g-lined. That is frightening.
>>> > 
>>> > Today is a critical day and I needed to be on Gamesnet
>>> > to inform my staff in RCL on what's going on with the
>>> > worm virus thing. It's obvious that both Firegod &
>>> > Draft knew it was critical for me to be online,
>>> > therefore they somehow had me g-lined. For NO reason
>>> > whatsoever. Whoever made the g-line obviously made a
>>> > mistake.
>>> > 
>>> > I need to know straightup and from YOU on what's going
>>> > on with my status. After 8 months of being clean, and
>>> > obeying the AUP, I just find it unfair that your staff
>>> > did this to me all of a sudden and on a day that I
>>> > needed the IRC the most.
>>> > 
>>> > Please be straight up.. am I allowed back on or not?
>>> > If not, then I need to post a news article on my site
>>> > to tell people to join "quakenet" gaming community on
>>> > IRC and not Gamesnet. Before I make that news
>>> > announcement to over 20,000 members in my league,
>>> > I need to know if this can be resolved by erasing my
>>> > g-line or if it's going to be forever.
>>> > 
>>> > If this g-line is forever, please let me know ASAP
>>> > so that I can make other IRC arrangements. If you
>>> > need time to investigate this matter (which will prove
>>> > that I am telling you the truth) then please let me
>>> > know that you need such time. 
>>> > 
>>> > Either way, could somebody go into #RCL and inform
>>> > members of my staff that I will email them as soon
>>> > as my email server is back online? It's anyone who
>>> > has "Operator" status in the #RCL channel. 
>>> > 
>>> > -Andy Hodges
>>> > RCL - RealCombat.com
>>> > 
>>> > 
>>> > __________________________________________________
>>> > Do you Yahoo!?
>>> > Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now.
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